Well, I took me a woman late last night,
I"s three-fourths drunk, she looked uptight.
She took off her wheel, took off her bell,
Took off her wig, said, "How do I smell?"
I hot-footed it . . . bare-naked . . .
Out the window!
Well, sometimes I might get drunk,
Walk like a duck and stomp like a skunk.
Don"t hurt me none, don"t hurt my pride
"Cause I got my little lady right by my side.
Proud as can be)
I"s out there paintin" on the old woodshed
When a can a black paint it fell on my head.
I went down to scrub and rub
But I had to sit in back of the tub.
(Cost a quarter
And I had to get out quick . . .
Someone wanted to come in and take a sauna)
Well, my telephone rang it would not stop,
It"s President Kennedy callin" me up.
He said, "My friend, Bob, what do we need to make
the country grow?"
I said, "My friend, John, Brigitte Bardot,
Anita Ekberg, Sophia Loren."
(Put "em all in the same room with Ernest Borgnine!)
Well, I got a woman sleeps on a cot,
She yells and hollers and squeals a lot.
Licks my face and tickles my ear,
Bends me over and buys me beer.
(She"s a honeymooner
A June crooner
A spoon feeder
And a natural leader)
Oh, there ain"t no use in me workin" so heavy,
I got a woman who works on the levee.
Pumping that water up to her neck,
Every week she sends me a monthly check.
(She"s a humdinger
For a thing-a-muh jigger)
Late one day in the middle of the week,
Eyes were closed I was half asleep.
I chased me a woman up the hill,
Right in the middle of an air raid drill.
It was Little Bo Peep!
(I jumped a fallout shelter
I jumped a bean stalk
I jumped a ferris wheel)
Now, the man on the stand he wants my vote,
He"s a-runnin" for office on the ballot note.
He"s out there preachin" in front of the steeple,
Tellin" me he loves all kinds-a people.
(He"s eatin" bagels
He"s eatin" pizza
He"s eatin" chitlins
He"s eatin" bullshit!)
Oh, set me down on a television floor,
I"ll flip the channel to number four.
Out of the shower comes a grown-up man
With a bottle of hair oil in his hand.
(It"s that greasy kid stuff.
What I want to know, Mr. Football Man, is
What do you do about Willy Mays and Yul Brynner,
Charles de Gaulle
And Robert Louis Stevenson?)
Well, the funniest woman I ever seen
Was the great-granddaughter of Mr. Clean.
She takes about fifteen baths a day,
Wants me to grow a cigar on my face.
(She"s a little bit heavy!)
Well, ask me why I"m drunk alla time,
It levels my head and eases my mind.
I just walk along and stroll and sing,
I see better days and I do better things.
(I catch dinosaurs
I make love to Elizabeth Taylor . . .
Catch hell from Richard Burton!)